Confessions of Self-Image
Naked Honesty
Self-image is a complex thing. I have spent enough time around others that are body positive to learn that any body is beautiful and your worth and sex appeal is not determined by your weight. I absolutely believe this. Those who have spent any length of time with me know this to be true. Perhaps you have been on the receiving end of my distinctive ability to call others out on their self-deprecation.
But I have been keeping a secret, that only recently have I been able to vocalize to a few very close people. Deep down in my core, I have not been able to embrace this worth, the sex appeal for myself. My very brutally honest reality is that I have not let go of my weight based worth. I fight to write these words as I know that some will translate this as my “true” feelings about others. I cannot stress enough that my fat positivity stands firm for others. The battle is in becoming my own champion.
My Dysfunctional Relationship With Food
As with most things, my fight is multilayered. Like so many people, I grew up in a weight obsessed family and culture. I learned from a very early age that food was a tool to be used to reward or punish, celebrate or mourn. It fills up empty spaces of boredom, pain, anxiety, excitement, etc. The lesson I am sorely lacking is how to view food as fuel. To see food as medicine for my body, mind and spirit. I’ve never learned to have a partnership with food.
My adversarial relationship with food has created a cyclical, destructive association with how I interact with it. This is compounded with my deep-seated desire to be thin, perceived as attractive and sexy, and my resulting feelings of hypocrisy and the exhaustion behind keeping this all a secret. I have periods of time where I feel “in control” of my relationship with food and the choices I make are based in health and vitality. When I am in touch with the foods I put in my body I feel amazing. The breakdown happens one of two ways, either I become fanatical about the foods “allowed” in my diet and then reach a point of feeling deprived OR I want to reward my “hard work” with a treat. Either avenue often leads me to a food that has heroin like addictive qualities and within a week’s time I can not seem to claw my way back to the place where I felt alive, healthy and “in control.”
The only way I can best describe the feeling of this loss of control is to liken it to depression. That feeling that you will never come out of this overpowering feeling. This of course is compounded by all the other feelings of letting myself down, guilt, frustration, anger, fear, and so on. The most frustrating thing is that I know what foods make my body happy and healthy. Likewise, I know all to well those foods that piss my body off.
Armed with that knowledge, why is it so hard? Well, food is so intertwined with our lives. Socializing is almost always linked with food. We use it to reward. We celebrate holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries, even death is commemorated with food. Millions are made off of or directly related to food with all the diets, pills, surgeries, exercise fads, books, videos, tapes, and on and on.
When Does It All Stop?
First, I have to be honest with myself about my own distortion with my body. I have to recognize that I have placed weight-based value on my person. I have to commit to working on this daily. I need to find support from those who can have this conversation without triggering themselves in an unhealthy way.
Second, I need to develop a partnership with food. One of my first steps is learning to see food as fuel while rediscovering celebration and socialization authentically. I have begun discussing a mentorship with a dear friend who had to do this for her own health.
Third, I need embrace health as my ultimate goal. Health of mind. Health of body. Health of spirit. Health is defined as the state of being free from illness or injury. It is not defined by BMI charts, scales or social conditioning.
Lastly, I need to apply the same compassion and inclusiveness I freely give to every (other) body to my own.
Patience and Tenderness
Two years ago I learned a life-changing lesson. I had spent most of my life under the delusion that you work on a problem and then it should be fixed forevermore. I was always surprised and frustrated whenever that “fixed” problem would show back up. Convinced of my failure and/or inadequacy in “fixing it” the first time. What I learned is that life is not about one time fixes. Rather, it is a daily process of caring for myself and tending to my life as a gardener regularly tends and cultivates their garden. More than ever I need to remember to be tender with myself over my self worth and health. I need to be patient with all the unlearning I need to do. I also need to be patient with all the learning I need to take in of my self-based value, rather than numbers on a scale, ranges on a chart, or images in the media OR my mirror.
Asking For Support
I am scared. I have so many odds against me. I have watched so many people torn apart by this issue. It doesn’t help that I am a stubborn Aquarian and am really, REALLY bad at asking for help. At this point in time, I don’t even know what help means. But I know I need support. I need to have people I can honestly talk to about all this. Too many years have been spent hiding these feelings. Far too many years have been spent trying to be an ally around these issues, while condemning myself.
I am not looking for complements. While I believe them to be authentic and true as they are given, I am not at a point where I can even hear the complements of others. They do not magically erase my image of self. This will also need time, patience and tenderness.
But I am here putting this out to the Looneyverse. I am being incredibly, uncomfortably open and honest. I am trying to take the steps towards my authentic health the best that I know how.