Kali: Cutting Away

It was right around the time that M and I split and after my health scare that I realized that it was absolutely time for me to get my Kali tattoo. Here is the background story on her significance. I was a devoted Christian from the age of 8 – 18. I belonged (this word is chosen quite intentionally) to an Assemblies of God church. For those unfamiliar, this denomination is among the group often referred to as “holy rollers” a nickname given because they believe in speaking in tongues and being “slain in the spirit” or falling down and rolling around on the floor (put obviously quite simplistically). With that context in mind, I went on two mission trips with the youth group. We are not talking about your typical mission trip to Mexico or somewhere in the states to build houses or the like. No, my first trip was to Calcutta, India.

My youth pastor was big on shock value. This trip proved to be his most influential. I was sixteen years at that time and I shy, awkward, a follower, and quite self-conscious with no self-esteem to speak of. On this trip he and one of the missionaries decided to take us all to the Kali Temple. Please keep in mind as you read this that we were not forewarned about anything about which I was about to experience. This missionary proceeded to walk us around the exterior of the Kali temple. As we walked past the open doorway of one side of the temple the missionary begins telling us that people have been said to go in and never be seen again and that there is human skulls on the alter, etc. As we come almost full circle around the exterior we stop in front of a guillotine of which I am quite literally foremost in front of. Suddenly drums begin to play and I notice two men are bringing over a goat. I try to ask what the hell is going on, but no one answers me and then before I can say another word they chop off the head of the goat. Then people come rushing up and put their hands in the blood and run it through their hair and put the little dot on their foreheads. They take away the body of the goat, which is still kicking and convulsing and bring it over to this little covered makeshift stand and proceed to reach directly down the neck of the goat and pull out its innards which some proceed to eat. I was completely in horror and shock. I looked down at my shoes only to realize they were spattered with blood.

One bit of grace in this moment is that it is the first time I found my own voice. Directly after this event, as we were piled into the bus, the youth pastor asks us (this time) if we wanted to go to the crematorium. In Calcutta they had what was described to me as essentially a dumpsite where they would open-air cremate large piles of people. For the first time I emphatically told anyone NO, as I told my youth pastor in no uncertain terms that I would not be going. It was from this completely abusive and non-contextual experience through which I knew Kali.

Some 22 years were spent in fear of her fierce and absolutely distorted image. This past winter term I took a class on Eastern/Western Spirituality in which we explored spirituality from an embodied perspective. This means that rather than just reading about various spiritual practices and traditions, we actually went to various services and participated in them. On one occasion we went to a Hindu temple. After which we travel to a Hindu store where one could pick up various Hindu icons. My professor, Susan Carter, was in search of a statue of Kali. I quietly went up and mentioned that I would be interested in chatting with her about Kali as I had an “issue” with her. After checking in with me and first getting my permission we discussed Kali in class. I shared my story about Kali for the first time as an adult. I quickly realized that what I had gone through we deeply psychologically abusive on the part of the adults that were there. Furthermore, without any context (and coming from a sheltered American and Christian perspective) I had no ability to understand what was going on, let alone grasp the significance of Kali. Susan explained that what Kali symbolizes is the cutting away of that which no longer has purpose in your life. Furthermore she is the destruction of illusions. I allowed myself to sit with that for a little bit. the cutting away of that which no longer has purpose in your life. I just about lost it. Tears immediately came to my eyes (as they are right now). “How ironic,” I told the class, “as it was only two years later that I left the church all together. Even more ironic that I learn this now as I am ending a relationship.”

Kali is my reminder to be fierce and true to what is purposeful and meaningful in my life and that I have no need for that which is not. It has been a painful and confusing realization, but it has awakened my spirit. I feel truly alive after so many years of existing. As Jesse works on the piece I find that even that is a deeply spiritual experience for me. The pain that comes as he is tattooing me I use to reflect on the pain that was inflicted on me by conceited leaders who could not see past their own understanding of “truth.” I meditate on all the changes that have begun in my life this year. It is sacred time during which I feel deeply bonded to my dear and sacred friend Jesse. Kali is my forever companion. She has blessed me with sacred destruction. If you don’t understand this, sit with it until you do.