I allowed myself to trust. ok, it’s more than that. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. fuck, I don’t even have words to touch upon how I feel about it. to allow myself to be so open and raw, to open my throat and let my primordial voice free. I felt something for the first time in years.

I realized that I can feel now and I feel torn open and messy and real!

Fuck! I feel! I didn’t know I had stopped feeling. But, goddess, I had.

and now I am scared.

all morning all I could think about was how when I allowed myself to trust and be vulnerable in this way that person completely betrayed that gift. that person failed me so vitally, so critically that I shut down. all this morning I paced about my house panicking. wondering when the ‘other shoe is going to drop.’ I felt myself reacting in fear, rather than simply acknowledging that fear, honestly.

but this time is different. this time I am calling my fear out. this time I am being honest and asking myself what I need. this time I am learning to be true to myself regardless of how fucking scared I am. I am allowing myself to be me. I am allowing myself to be honest. I am not going to hide a single tear.

I am trusting myself.