words are funny things. the longer i live, the more i realize that it is never safe to assume that what means one thing to you, will mean the same thing to another. i have learned this lesson in particular surrounding the word and meaning of polyamory. i have considered myself polyamorous for the last twelve years. the polyamory society defines polyamory as follows:

Polyamory is the nonpossessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously. Polyamory emphasizes consciously choosing how many partners one wishes to be involved with rather than accepting social norms which dictate loving only one person at a time. Polyamory is an umbrella term, which integrates traditional mutipartner relationship terms with more evolved egalitarian terms. Polyamory embraces sexual equality and all sexual orientations towards an expanded circle of spousal intimacy and love. Polyamory is from the root words Poly meaning many and Amour meaning love hence “many loves” or Polyamory. Of course, love itself is a rather ambiguous term, but most polys seem to define it as a serious, intimate, romantic, or less stable, affectionate bond, which a person has with another person or group of persons. This bond usually, though not necessarily always, involves sex. Sexualove or eromance are other words, which have been coined to describe this kind of love. Other terms often used as synonyms for polyamory are responsible, ethical or intentional non-monogamy.

i really resonate with this definition, in large part due to the amazing introduction i first had with polyamory. Y very much believed in the amory aspect or the idea of many loves in a poly lifestyle. i grew in my understanding and embracing of poly from this lens. Y and i were together for six years of which two we were living in a triad relationship (a three-way partnership). at this time we each saw other people individually as well. there were two amazing women with whom I cared very much for and one in particular, A, with whom I developed a very deep love bond.

and then i moved to portland. not too long after the move my relationships ended with both partners of the triad and my relationship with A was not able to withstand the strains of a long-distance relationship. after spending six years in this amazing understanding of what poly meant, i naively assumed this was the same meaning for all self-identified poly people. i have since discovered that for some people, the meaning of poly includes justified cheating, many fucks (as opposed to loves), doing what ever the fuck i want and to hell with you, ad nauseam.

the hardest lesson to learn was with M. with me he was able to experience his first poly relationship. i thought we had discussed poly politics, but now i realize that both of us did a lot of assuming as to what poly would look like for us. for me, our poly dynamic broke my trust, pushed my boundaries in a very unsafe way, and compromised much of my deeply held beliefs about love and loving others.

at the end of it all, in talking with a close friend, i realized that too myself, ultimately, i did hold true to my foundational poly belief. if it’s broke at home, don’t go outside of it. unfortunately, once it was broke, for M and i, it stayed that way. for me, this meant that i did not get intimately involved with anyone else during the entirety (five and one-half years) of our relationship. i could not. it was repeatedly implied by M that i was no longer poly. and whenever i would try to discuss problems we were having (especially those of a sexual nature) his solution was, go out and get laid. i should have known then that we had a break that could not be mended. the lack of trust was the ultimate breakdown for me, but another important destroyer of our dynamic was the complete lack of two-way communication.

sadly, there was many times where i also questioned my polyness. i was intensely hurt and confused and could not make heads or tails of my place in the world. it was only upon reconnecting with Y where i started realizing that the disconnect was not my sole responsibility. i was finally able to remember what a healthy poly relationship for me looked like. and it was then that i knew this was not possible with M.

another key component i had to learn post break-up was the importance of being in a solid healthy relationship with myself. first and foremost. i firmly believe that absent of this, a healthy, significant relationship with anyone else is impossible.

so why is poly part of my life? first, i do not believe that it is healthy (or possible) for one person to be everything to any other one person. i see many (not all) mono couplings trying to do just that. we are all multi-faceted beings. i want my loved ones to be fulfilled in their lives. as such, i want them to find connections with others in ways that are able to meet all those parts of themselves.

i do not believe that humans have a limited capacity for love. a phrase i coined early on is love multiplies it does not divide. i had this demonstrated in my early relationship, and i am having this demonstrated to me again. i have been so blessed with the family of friends that i have become a part of. and yes, i do count as friends those with whom i am intimate. for me a foundational gauge of whether or not i will become involved with someone is should the sexual component completely fizzle out would i still be their friend. if i can not answer yes, then i will not get involved. my family of friends have expanded my understanding of what it is to love and be loved. they have reminded me of the overwhelming blessing that comes from building and finding trust in another.

i think it’s important to state here that love, for me, is not always about sex either. in many cases it is about the joy of loving those who are the lovers of those whom I am also intimate. this is not always easy. only recently have i been able to experience this in such an utterly natural way. and can i just say how beautiful it is? i feel as though i have developed a partnership with someone with whom i consider a friend, family member, support system and deviant mind-exploding partner in crime. and there is no hierarchy for my love.

as i have been able to revisit my boundaries and self-definitions of what poly means to me, i am able to feel free in loving and allowing myself to build trust in others again. i have been blessed with support beyond my wildest dreams, been gifted with amazing friendship bonds, expanded my family/tribe circle, and am able to heal from the naiveté that i and others have been party too.

i feel it’s important to close with a few more things that always seem to come up around this topic:

1. i do not believe that polyamory is for everyone. it is right for me. i leave others lives and lifestyles up to their discretion.

2. i am not somehow a more evolved individual because i am poly. yes, i have had others say just this to me.

3. jealousy does not magically disappear for poly people. jealousy is an emotion that i have to deal with just like anyone else. the point is that i deal with it. i talk about it. i process (oh gawd there is that word) through it. i am honest and that means having the hard conversations as needed. which brings me to my poly mantra: communicate, communicate, communicate