there comes a point when i feel like i have to make a decision to change the course of direction when it comes to baggage. now obviously this is not to say that i can simply choose not to be triggered or have a baggage related responses simply because i will it so. if only that were possible! what i am saying is that i am beginning to understand that i have a choice over how i respond to such triggers and i have the power to redirect it.

recently baggage from my past has brought up some learned responses. one major one is that my issue with trust has been very triggering within my newer family circle. this is one of the major reasons i do not like it too get to quiet in my home. because you see, in the quiet is when past fears start to creep into my present reality. and quite frankly, it makes me fucking angry that the pain created by past relationships has the ability to (attempt) to tarnish current relationships. that past learned distrust taints my ability to believe in the trust that others have wholly earned now. yes, that really pisses me off.

i have these three amazing people in my life that have quickly become family to me. in my heart i know that we love each other quite genuinely and that we all care for each other in a very magical and beautiful way. painfully, i find my past learned distrust haunting me. it has created moments where i feel that i am being tolerated, rather than enjoyed. at times i worry that when i’m not around that i am the one that is the butt of the joke. my baggage has taught me to look for inconsistencies that could point to deceptions being done behind my back. WHAT THE FUCK! these three have done nothing but show me the opposite. i am angry that my relationship with M ingrained these responses into me. they do not deserve this. fuck, i don’t deserve this turmoil. i’m tired of being reduced to tears as i am right now.

this is where i am learning that even though i cannot magically make the triggers go away, i have full control over what i do with them. one step i have done is to immediately remind myself that these people are not the same people who have hurt me in the past. relatively speaking, this is the easy part. the not so easy part, but vitally important to this change is that i not keep it locked in my head, rather i come to my friends and tell them when i’m being triggered and talk it through. i am so blessed that i can be wholly honest with these people. i can’t tell you have amazing it is to feel loved, supported, respected and genuinely cared for. they serve as a constant reminder to be patient with the process (even though i am quite impatient).

last night i got to spend time with one of these people and we were talking about this very subject. i was explaining how recently these baggage triggers had been manifesting. R told me that they were going to disprove these past learned “expectations.” i don’t know if R knows the impact that comment has on me. it reminds me that i am not alone in this. this is why they are my family. i am a very independent (and painfully stubborn) person, but that does not mean that i have to wade through the pain and stages of healing alone. R, N, and F will not let me forget that. and this face means the world to me.

even now as i write this, i just got a “simple” email reminding me that i am loved. it is these moments that i choose to hold on to. and it is these expressions that i return to when my past tries to creep in. a quick reminder, maybe simple to the sender, but for me, it means the world. and this is why i count myself blessed and this is why I KNOW i am loved.

and this is why i know, with their support, i will get through this shit!