holy crap i have so much in my head right now. this post is really more of a please gawd get it out of my head, stream of consciousness, sanity thing.

within the first few days of the year i learned that one friend had been diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer and another was going in to get a lump checked out. cancer is such a nasty beast. i have had it touch my life in so many ways and if it never reared its ugly head again, it would be too much, too soon. not exactly the way i wanted to start out this year.

work is still a bit frustrating. first of all, i have to vocalize that i am incredibly thankful for being employed. it is a scary job market out there. i have two dear friends that are currently unemployed and i see the frustration and anxiety it is causing them. last year was a bit messy for me personally and unfortunately some of that translated into my job. i was distracted and made some mistakes. i have owned up to my part in the equation and have been working very hard to make it right. i am not used to being in a position where my work is questioned. this puts me in a very uncomfortable position.

i am now just one week from starting my Ph.D. program. i am excited about it, but i am also scared for what it will do with my ability to also be a social being. during my last two programs i essentially dropped out of the social scene to focus on school. we are talking literally four and one-half years of my life. granted, i had made that conscious decision to do so, but there is a part of me that fears starting school again because of this. i have learned that i need the social interaction. these last six months have meant so much to me in the way of reconnecting with old chosen family, while developing new relationships with new chosen family. i have a hard time envisioning a successful balance between work, school and a healthy social life. i have made choices about how i am doing my program with this balance in mind. i am only going part-time (taking the minimum number of credits in order to qualify for financial aid). also, my program is on the semester system rather than quarters, which allows me some more time with each class and hopefully will contribute to the balance i seek.

i am still contemplating possibly looking into a roommate situation. of course the cheaper rent would be incredible, but the real draw for me is having other people around. sometimes it is just plain hard living alone. it can be too quiet and very lonely at times, especially after i have spent a significant amount of time with my loved ones. returning home to an empty house can be a hard adjustment. there are a lot of amazing things to living alone, that i also have to think about if i am willing to give those up. there are so many pros and cons to weigh through. i am giving myself time to do so, especially since i am a picky boy as to the type of person i am willing to have in my space.

regardless of the above mentioned struggles, i am in a pretty amazing place in my life. i have done (and continue to do) so much self care and am really proud of the person i am today. i have made some really tough calls over the last year and for the most part, am very happy with my decisions. i am a much stronger person that i gave myself credit.

there have been a few people that were important to me that are no longer in my life and that really does break my heart. i have, however, also added a few new amazing members to my chosen family. they have reminded me how amazing it is to know you are loved and to truly trust someone. prior to them entering into my life, this is something that i had seriously questioned if it remained in my ability to do.

so yes, i am blessed. and i am deeply thankful.