admittedly i feel relatively new to activism. for many reasons that i will not go into in this blog post i was seriously burnt out on taking an active community role which included significant baggage in the shape of fear that reengaging would bring me back to a place where my activism would consume my life.

after taking part in a course on community activism and subsequently becoming a founder and organizer of GFFA i quickly realized i needed to be an active contributor to my community. i am proud of the work that i have done thus far and am committed to continuing as soon as i get settled in the bay area. but for now i am temporarily living at my parents house in the sierra nevada foothills until my partner and i are able to secure employment.

in the weeks that have followed GFFA i am eager to do more and for the time, my ability to do so is limited. and yet, i feel major guilt around the one opportunity that i feel i can not take. my father is an amazing and loving man. he and i have a close relationship and i honestly believe he is one of the best male role models i have ever had. it wouldn’t be a reach to say that i idolize my dad. the heartbreak for me is that his faith tells him that my life is wrong. i asked my mother a question i already knew the answer to, “how did dad vote on Prop 8?” he voted yes. she proceeded to tell my partner and i that his faith tells him it is his job to save my soul and it is from that place he voted. he voted with his conscious. in that i can not blame him. but i do not understand.

i have always been of the belief that it is easy to hold an opinion on something that you have no personal knowledge of (example being queer), but once you get to know someone with whom it is a very real part of their existence, it becomes impossible to maintain these biases. and yet, he still believes that my soul and those of so many that i love are in jeopardy. i simply can not wrap my head around this.

thankfully there is no attempts to convert the other. he loves me, my partner and i know he would love many of my friends equally dearly. and this is what i can not comprehend. i guess i could get my mind around it more if he were one of those believers who cuts their child off after coming out. and damn if i haven’t come out a few times (lesbian, poly, queer, transgender). and yet, he is there. loving me. supporting me. being an amazing father. he attended a commitment ceremony between an ex and myself many years ago. he was there with tears of pride streaming down his face the day i got my masters. he speaks of me with nothing but respect and a fathers pride.

i love my father. there is no question. and at the same time i feel tremendous guilt for not having the conversation with him about my reality. i feel that in this i am letting down my community. what i know is that both my father and i believe, truly believe, we are doing the right thing by voting our conscious. because i value my relationship with him, i remain quiet. but the guilt remains. and my heart breaks.

all i can do is demonstrate my integrity through the way i live my life. but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.