Kali: Cutting Away
My Blood Sacrifice
Immediately after gaining a new understanding of Kali’s purpose and power I visited my tattoo artist in order to reclaim her presence in a radical and permanent way. We discussed her importance in my life, what it was that she symbolized to me, and decided to tattoo her on the entirety of my back. As Jesse worked on my back, the tattoo itself became a deeply spiritual experience for me. I used the pain to reflect on that, which was inflicted on me by conceited leaders who could not see past their own understanding of “truth.” I meditated on all the changes that had begun in my life that year. It was a sacred time during which I felt deeply bonded to my dear and sacred friend Jesse. Kali is now both physically and spirituality my forever companion. She has blessed me with sacred destruction.
I was able to queer the offering of blood sacrifice by choosing to offer my own blood through the act of tattooing. I reclaimed my experience of encountering Kali through my conscience choosing to bring her into my life through understanding and education, while empowering myself by inviting her to be a forever reminder of the necessary cycles of destruction and regeneration. Every moment of pain I subjected myself to under the tattoo machine was a process of delivering myself. Delivery from the weight of oppression placed on me during those ten years at Calvary Temple. Freedom from the pain of hiding my past for the sake of a unhealthy partnership. Release from the years of trying to live up to the status quo of gender, sexuality and spirituality. The undertaking was indeed painful, but I was regenerated in the process.
Conclusion
Many lessons have been gleaned from the presence of Kali in my life. She has taught me to be honest with my being and to love myself fiercely. Honesty for me has manifested in no longer hiding. I had spent five years trying to hide that I am transgender. I didn’t want to be known for being trans, rather I wanted to be known for all that is Del. In my hiding, however, I was not known at all. I ended up feeling like I hadn’t made any true friendships because there always came the point in the relationship where I could not let people in, because my history would not be congruent with who I was presently without revealing my past.
There is so much about growing up female that remains very dear and important to me. My outlook on the world is undeniably shaped by that history. It pains me whenever I realize that my male presentation to the world causes a woman to cross the street, rather than walk past me at night. Conversely, I have been brought to tears on more than one occasion as women have gone out of their way to approach me in the grocery store to thank me for wearing a pro-choice t-shirt. The five years I spent in the closet felt extremely lonely. Thankfully I had the support of my professor, Susan Carter, and dear friend Jesse who encouraged me to be come out of hiding. And while it is often scary to queer my gender and queer my understanding of what is sacred, Kali reminds me to boldly embody Shiva-Shakti. There is nothing like the feeling of being true to myself and bravely approaching relationships from a perspective of “love me for all of me or let me be.”
Through my relationship with Kali, I am becoming a fierce advocate for queering the boundaries of gender, sexuality, and spirituality. She helps me to tear down traditional gender roles, demand more of my life than the status quo, and cut away all that no longer has use in my life. I have reclaimed my encounters with Kali. I now know that any abuse that was experienced in Kolkata was at the hands of the chaperones, not Kali. She continues to radically shake my worldview and I have chosen to offer my own blood sacrifice from a place of power and purpose.
The Dark Goddess Kali is my deity of sacred destruction, giving me freedom from illusion. Her presence has manifested radical transformation and regeneration in my life. I now choose to proudly live on the edge of that which is conventional and socially acceptable, queering my world in every way possible.
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Bibliography
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Caldwell, Sarah. Oh Terrifying Mother: Sexuality, Violence and Worship of the Goddess Kali. New Delhi: Oxford UP, 1999.
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Iglehart Austen, Hallie. The Heart of the Goddess: Art, Myth and Meditations of the World’s Sacred Feminine. Berkeley: Wingbow Press, 1990.
Sandhu, Milan. “Bindi!” Highlights for Children, June 2005, 8.
