Being one of the co-producers of Gender (Free) For All has helped me to realize I have a lot of social conditioning to work through in regard to gender. No matter how open minded / progressive you think yourself to be, there is always room for growth. I think its when we feel comfortable in our “progressiveness” that we fall short. Instead, keeping ourselves open to learning from every person we meet is what creates space to make this world a better, safer, more inclusive place for all people.
The other day I had a conversation with a long time friend. She confided in me about her realization that she does not feel comfortable in her socially assigned gender. She does not identify as male, nor female, nor trans, but has realized that this non-gendered area is a social taboo, even within communities that have begun to be more “inclusive” of trans identified people. In her experience she has found that transgressing ones assigned gender does not automatically release a person from a binary gender social conditioning or lens of the world. It is though our conversation, listening to her experience and reflecting on how her story is not unlike that of those I have heard from friends and loved ones that I am reminded why it is that I am so committed to Gender (Free) For All.
Gender is not about the body: the body is simply a vessel that plays host to our moving in the world. The parts we have or don’t have do not make up our gender. Likewise, gender is not about our presentation: there is not one appropriate way to be a person any where along a gender spectrum. Gender IS NOT about making it easier for others to put you in a box that makes THEM comfortable.
Gender is not about policing others as a way to protect ourselves! I feel the need to speak to this in particular. I spent a good number of years in a relationship in which I chose to closet myself for the sake of this other person. During those years I went out of my way to disassociate myself from gender non-conformist and out gender transgressors out of fear of “guilt by association.” I am embarrassed by my behavior during those years. I conducted myself in my world in a manner that lacked integrity, compassion and it prevented me from growing as a human. This is definitely a huge part of why I am so vested in creating change and continuing to grow Gender (Free) For All beyond the Portland borders.
And it starts with rethinking the basics. Assumptions are a big part of the problem. We look at a person and think it tells us a lot about them. We assume that looking at a person identifies age, lifestyle, gender, demeanor, etc. but when you stop, really stop to think about it and consider your past assumptions you begin to realize that assumptions get you no where. Take me for instance: there have been many assumptions about me based on my tattoos and piercings as to my lifestyle and demeanor. People are often shocked to find out that I very rarely drink, I don’t do drugs, I’m a Ph.D. student, etc. In much the same way we cannot assume to know how a person identifies within the realm of gender experience and expression . . . and perhaps a starting point is to stop trying.
Why not incorporate the asking of gender identity and/or pronoun preference with the asking of name? Is it awkward? Perhaps, but all new things can be. Change has to start somewhere. I’m doing my part to create change. What about you?
